What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
What?!?
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.