The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
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True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants