I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off