It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
this is the news I live for
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
beware of dog
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.