3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?