dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
You Might Also Like
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.