Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
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How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.