Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.