Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
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I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.