the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call