The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
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Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.