[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
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Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.