HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Only a mother’s love …
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit