I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition