My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there