IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
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The Friday File.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
My blood type is coffee.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.