I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
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My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail