Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”