Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
You Might Also Like
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid