Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.