I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
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Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
A double negative is a big no-no.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.