I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Ain’t no way
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.