Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
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As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?