If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
You Might Also Like
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
The dark side of Canada
This might be the funniest tweet ever
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*