Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
You Might Also Like
My life in a nutshell
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
A friend helps you before you need it
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.