Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?