“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
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Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.