If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My beach vacation Google searches
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes