If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?