Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!