Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
You Might Also Like
Worth the read.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
WHY?!
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My safe word is Worcestershire
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔