*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
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If only.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.