No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
stop
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
step 6: release the wall snake
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA