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Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.