Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
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coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero