Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Well well well…
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan