I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
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According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?