I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
the three genders
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.