Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
he looks great for his age
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.