Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
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I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
But wait…
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.