My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
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Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
iPhone X
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.