HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I’m good, thanks.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
my nickname in college
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer