You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?