Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
You Might Also Like
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The most important meal of the day is the next one
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken