Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.