“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
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When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Is this a threat?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.