You Might Also Like
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN