When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
You Might Also Like
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
The first one, obviously
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”