If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
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*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
dream blunt rotation
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?