Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
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Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..